two spooks 

fright night

the giant abyss that opens up between us threatens to swallow me and my tears and peakles of laughter collide in an unconvincing sound that I try to explain is the worst hurt I have ever experienced. he tries to tell me that we're doing far better than most and that these gulfs are bound to loom up, or down, between us because we are two different minds thoughts forever travelling down separate chutes and it is a wonder that we can get along so well all the time save these times (and god isn't it?) and dont i want a passionate love? and i do and im silly to think it can be dancing around naked in a quilt all the time, our cat climbing all over us, hot coffee and elbows knocking together reading in our sad foam bed since she took away our other one. he tells me that I am afraid and god can the wall in myself be so tall that I can't see over it? my biggest fear is to be forever unable to crack my single perspective, to have limited access to truth and he puts that possibility out there and first i am angry, then I am delighted because without someone to push me I will never grow as a writer. i used to think i was privilaged to have been born here, and now i think it is a curse. there are so many trappings and glass walls.

good

drunk bibble babble for two: insomnia on the ghostly point + sullen drunk solitary creeper. one long late conversation leaps up. i grab it and its wonderfully familiar, snickers and grim confessions, love letters and forgiveness, and my entire existence congeals and firms up for at least an hour setting off sparklers in the hands of the ghosts of two eight year olds somewhere in a dark field out in the world, neon green firebugs snapping their wings all around.

responsible for two.i fill out the frame both man and wife tonight. interesing. it took a bottle of wine to calm the tears of being left even for a while. i am so sad i even need the only friend i have. haha. i must be in love. aaahh miss my baby gone to oregone.

a green penny left too long under an oven

when he says my name it rings like electric shocks and i know he has been listening with his heart turned on i feel guilty that im surprised as if everyone rehearshes and speaks through masks as much as me and he wants what i want and i want what ive always wanted except now its become crucial. time is a nasty mother and doesnt forgive. i couldnt identify the bird and he said woodpecker no i said too fat and no crown he said you would be surprised and i had to admit that i was wrong which happens far too often i need to stop being so god damn stubborn. the last thing i want to be is a bad loser. i want to be graceful always though i never am not like her who seems to want it as badly except it comes more naturally. ive let it go though, now. i am disappointed by my own past build ups about writers which i let down now and let go free like beads off a string bouncing all over the kitchen floor. all the best there is room for others and maybe room for me.

a hat changes everything

i bought a hat from Robertas and the whole world looks different from under it though ive lost some peripheral vision and im not sure thats good but the world is a warmer place. so my hat and ten-percent bunny make it a new year. officially. seven new plays, eight more poets, ten+ more novels and tons of philisophical dialogues to brood over. all day ive been finding myself in a place that has to be broken into to be reached and its fantastic. maybe its the bunny but it could be organising spices to bela flek and the snowy white thats odd for this new city. i missed crunching ice, but it looks funny here because the grass is green poking through and roses and pansies bloom everywhere. ive got someone on my mind and its making me sad.

southern california the blue goddess on route 66 

all is quiet

he brings hot coffee and liquer, me white under down and half folded pages contemplating plath and hughes' married life a misunderstood jangle of fixed stars and hot stink of love. my own life folds out in front of me like ribbons blown forward in a hot sudden wind left to rest in a jumble of silky piles upthrown continually by sporadic gusts. the up and down back and forth movement of life so much like birds that bob on waves, still they move, the wave a perfect symbol for all of it sex and life and the mind and the heart. Surprise at the happy anticipation of today and tomorrow and the rest of it, never before so much excitement over possibility. so much has to come before any of it fufilled, hard determination and pure strong will.