self-reprimand

i'm wrong i'm wrong i'm wrong again. i am so mediocre. it is the last thing i want to believe but it is true. i think he tries to make me angry. he says i need to be angry. not in this way. i wish i would not say things that i do not mean. everyone does. have to let it go. he gives me more than i have been able to give me at this time. unless i start to produce. then it will all transfer over to me. i want the life he urges me to find. he says that it is now. now. now is my opportunity. i need to get off the continent for some time. i truly truly need to. i am afraid that i am lazy. i am afraid that i won't do it. i am so deathly afraid i am paralysed.

i lost my necklace today. i lost it walking around the city and i don't think i will ever see it again. i cried when i realised there was no weight on my collarbone and rode around the city sidewalks, retraced my steps. the hot sun was consoling, but i'm mourning the loss.

where is this place i am trying to find?? it is in me, but where?