ponderings over merlot infused with godknows

whats come over me? i'm acting differently, think im coming into my own if that means anything its always a phase forever changing. im amazed constantly at the perpetual transformation, i feel mine is so fast i'm always running after myself to keep up. do the effects of life speak at all to the cause? I'm in that cave where the echo sounds and the walls become a thousand mirrors of pure voice and memory. that echo comes from the place i thought i had left behind. all of these people stepping forward to claim me as part of their history, when years before they left me behind.

where were you then? that snowy night at the bottom of the railed steps, cough gripped my lungs and you kept me there, explaining why for an hour and while sure my heart was breaking all i wanted was to go inside. you talking and me watching the snow flakes in all their shapes melt against my collar. that last kiss on my step in summer. the fear that gripped you, i hated it then as i do now. why so much lament and confusion? oh the agony, none of you had any balls at all. the irony is i am now with someone twice my age and think none of it. fools, you all. and now that it is behind me you come forth with wisdom held out to me like petrified fruit. ha. i laugh. its all i can do since there is no time travel machine to play with. i cant do a thing about your regrets.

some bottles of wine and pull out some maps and we'll plan another adventure. this time it will take us somewhere new and we'll sail around in the blue goddess once more our little hole wherever we wish. rest stops and american beer and bumping our heads against the ceiling. end up back in canada where you will finally be my citizen.

the new friend is so much like the whiskey bottle and grease-on-my-fingers-swingset friend, the one who couldn't figure me...couldn't put me anywhere. will you have anywhere for me?