alternate lives

woke up on the couch this morning, slept there to give and get space and rest. though i didn't get rest. he is so happy to sleep alone, it hurts. self-pity. i drank a bottle of wine by myself, a chai soy candle burning. an electric switch in my brain turned on and led me through strange dreams. had dreams like those i did as a child, in which i surrendered myself entirely and forgot that it was a dream, more like sleepwalking through another reality. both began with a vision of myself where i was sleeping, then waking. one, i look out the window and he has left a fire blazing near the shed. i am terrified and i wake up afraid of the dark like i haven't been in years. the other i wake up to mist shrouded mountains and a hill next to me. it is early and i decide to get up and walk up the hill. at the top is my sister, in a building i have never seen, with two men i have never seen. his head, plump and dead, hangs around her neck on a thick gold chain. i stare at it. she talks about it and the two men look at her as if she is crazy. she walks with me for a while and then must go. it is so good to see her, even in a dream.

i feel as if i can't find any time for myself, though that is the most popular complaint around here and i have no right to it. once the legal crap settles things should look up, but i know there will always be something. i see now that it is so easy to look after only your own life. i feel lazy and selfish and i know this year i really have to work. forget about the fiddle, the drums, day trips, daydreaming. especially daydreaming. work and write.